I hate people. Sorry, don't take this statement personally, I hate everyone, including myself.
Andrew has continued to struggle, hit, bite and act out in public and say horrifically unfathomable things to people - I will not go into details - it has been unbearable. Friday, at his therapy session the psychologist called in the response team - two guards, a nurse, two clinicians, a wheelchair and a partridge in a pear tree. I had calmed him before the Doctor got back. He had spent 2 hours running, cursing, threatening, posturing to hit and more (okay I went into some details) - the doctor left the room when he bit deep into my thumb. They had no beds at Children's in Aurora and I wasn't letting him go through all that again for what? Nothing works. So I laid down the law - and said no. No more hospitalization - we need to work on this as an outpatient and not resort to slapping him in a bed and a few days later telling us that he needs to get home into his own clothes and back to his life. I've been trying to do that since the first time he was in the hospital, then the second time. There is no third time's the charm. (The psychiatrist changed up a few things and added a small dose of a med in the a.m. and afternoon to calm him. He seemed better yesterday - but who the fuck knows how long that will last.)
Monday, he goes back to school with an ABA trained staff member in a smaller setting so he doesn't have to deal with all the stressors - i.e., people - he hates them too. He hasn't been in school for longer than an hour or two since May and those hours were filled with him trying to escape, cursing, threatening and more. I hate Douglas County.
I'm tired. At times I pray for death. At times I pray that I live long enough to get him all the help he needs. At times I wish I had become a nun but as Blanche Devereaux says - "nun, the name says it all".
While I'm on a list of things I hate:
1. People who are mean for sport. I'm mean to myself - I try not to be mean to others - but when people lie or mistreat others - I can be mean.
2. Mental illness.
3. People who think that others don't deserve our help and our compassion. People who think that others don't deserve insurance and medical care. People who think that everyone who needs help is lazy and a drug attack. People. Period.
4. The current state of our world.
5. I hate that my friends are struggling and fighting battles to live and here I sit whining and complaining about my battles. I hate myself.
6. I hate that my friends are struggling with their kids and I don't know what to do for them - because I am just as lost and terrified.
I'm trying to be a better person - I am failing miserably. I don't want messages, calls, emails or anything - I don't want anything from anyone - I just had to unburden myself from these thoughts.
