It is that time of year again when everyone posts photos of their beloved mothers, grandmothers, and other females that hold a special place in their heart. For those of you who have/had parental figures they adore, I am very happy for you but I will never understand it or feel that type of love. I also will NEVER begrudge your posting happy photos - your families earned that love - you deserve to share it.
When you grow up surrounded by abuse and where the adults in your life threw people away as easily as yesterday's newspaper, things don't hold a great deal of sentimental value. When my dad died - when I was 17 and a few days before my high school graduation - I was sad but still felt an enormous amount of relief. Soon after he died I moved out of my mother's house but continued to financially support my unstable mother. When she did die, alone in a hospital room eight years ago, I was overcome with grief for a short time. Then I got over it. You learn to get over things quickly and not put too much value on relationships when you never know where the next punch is coming from.
I felt the need to address Mother's Day - I don't know why - I have forgiven my mother for her mental illness and abuse, but I don't miss her. I don't miss anyone in my family - my sisters and I have been estranged for years as well - they too show the same patterns of abusive behavior to friends and to me and I learned a long time ago to let those kinds of people go for my own self-survival. I do feel an emptiness when I think about having someone to confide in - but I usually turn to my husband or writing to release my thoughts. It is odd for me to say these things - that I don't understand parental relationships - and still be an empath who takes in the world's problems.
I try to be a good human being - I don't want to say I'm a good mom - I'm not sure what that is. I'm certainly not Hallmark material - but I'd die for my kids - even while sometimes I wish I had become a nun.
