Nothing to fear but hope

Two days ago my son started Lithium. He has had two great days. Earlier in the week, he had tried to escape the unit by pulling on staff's badges, by hitting and biting - pulling another student off a chair and honestly I can't remember it all. It was then that I asked the doctor to not postpone retrying the Lithium to do it as soon as possible as we have wasted so much time in the last four years. It feels like we have lived a lifetime in the last two months.

He has had two great days. Two. I'll take them but I don't trust them.

I have nothing left to fear but hope itself. I am trying to stay positive but honestly trying to stay positive and hopeful takes so much damn energy. I had given up on prayer. I had given up on God. I'm not sure where I stand on anything right now. I'm numb.

Today, I took a trip to Home Goods just for twenty minutes to get out of the house - somewhere besides the hospital. I packed my cart full of things - things to make me happy - when I got to the register I realized that those things weren't going to do anything at all for me. The sweet girl behind the register, Jenna, was kind - I kept a bottle of olive oil, a small bowl and a Italian pot that was a size I had been looking for and was a steal - and told her I was putting everything else back - that I didn't need any of those things and I was trying to make myself feel better. She asked me what was wrong. I told her.

She said, "I was in the hospital myself for an entire year my sophomore year of high school. I had cancer. Stage 4 - the doctors said I had less than 20% chance of survival. I'm cancer free now. God is good." She is 20 years old, beautiful, kind and alive today.

She said she would pray for Andrew. I told her I wished her continued good health. I'm not sure about praying.

When we left tonight, Andrew begged to come home and wouldn't let me go he kept hugging and kissing me. He hasn't done that in a very long time.

The plan is four more days of inpatient treatment. Then partial hospitalization. We have our IEP meeting tomorrow - I've heard that the district is ready to admit he needs an ABA staffed private school. They better be - I'm not settling for less.

The house is quiet and peaceful, I feel anything but. Good reports and progress have always been the harbinger of really bad things as signs of hope ushers in evil -- I will keep my head low as well as my expectations and then when the fall comes it won't hurt as much.