Remaining grateful

Yesterday, while making dinner, I took in my surroundings. It wasn't a conscious effort on my part, it was a whisper that nudged me. I saw my beautiful kitchen stocked with food and gorgeous tools, ingredients and spices out to start baking the next day, dishes still piled high to put away and I felt safe. Turning, my eyes caught the two small trees flanking our fireplace sent by our friends the Delgados and Withrows (later a tree - on loan - joined the duo from our neighbor and good friend, Elizabeth) when they heard we didn't have the energy to put a tree. The fire was warming our space while outside it was a nippy 20 degrees with a light cover of frost from the earlier flurries. I was grateful in that moment.

Every day for the last few months, I have been an unwilling passenger on the roller coaster that is Andrew. Being told to go fuck myself, that am a fucking bitch, that he hopes I die and the screaming and obnoxiousness that occurs most mornings and on the weekends wear me down. I know that he will end up hugging me, telling me he loves me, that he is sorry for being so mean and that he knows I do everything for him - but that doesn't make it better. The weekends are the worse. Andrew purposefully goes after his father and Jim can't ignore it like I try very hard to do. I don't feed into the nastiness - I try to deflect it even while it is seeping into my every pore. On the weekends, I not only handle how Andrew can be - I have to stress about Jim's reaction to it - it is picking away at Jim like a cancer.

The stress of living with a mentally ill person who is your child is suffocating. We have to remember to remain grateful for the improvements - that he is doing well at school, that these nasty periods are short in reality but seem like forever when they are happening, and that this loud house that is filled with worry is also filled with love. We have to remember we have great jobs that we love, friends that care about us and that things will get better permanently. I know they will - deep in my heart - I know that even when my words say "I can't live like this anymore."

I'm grateful for my family, friends and all the blessings I have and I will try hard to remain that way. I am overwhelmed by the generosity of our friends and family always but one thing really hit me yesterday. I was on a Skype call with Jane, co-founder of Eat Your Books, my boss. Andrew yelled, "Hi, mom's boss," and Jane said "I'm mom's friend not her boss." Throughout my life I have felt that I wasn't worthy of anything - love, friends, gifts and that mind-set made it very hard to really accept all the wonderful things I have and I'm not talking about material things. That ingrained feeling that I wasn't worth anything from my upbringing made all the wonderfulness around me seem like it was nothing. The glass was always half empty or bone dry. This year, more than any other, I have made the discovery that I am entitled to love and for the first time I accept it.

Being grateful is good, maintaining that gratitude - that is the difficult part. 2018 will be the year of gratitude.

Happy Holidays.