Broken

When Andrew was first admitted on August 11th, the doctors thought that part of the problem may be his school placement. That he couldn't function in a SED (Social Emotional Disorders) setting but also couldn't function in a typical classroom with noise and chaos. I, for one, grabbed on to that and held hard - I thought - that's it - that is what will fix my child - proper placement and a revamp of his medications. Then he would be fine - no problems, no anger, no suicide threats - just snips and snails and puppy dog tails. Our world would be right. It hasn't been right in a very long time.

He made friends - he made progress - each medication removed and added held promise - we held our breath. We've been holding our breath for a very long time.

The last weekend was rough but Monday and Tuesday - he had two great days and nights. Then as the gods got wind of our happiness - he had a horrific incident on Wednesday, where he almost kicked a child in the head - thank God the staff stopped him. He was held and fought back with the staff. Last night was rough - because he was agitated and I tried my best to stay the course - I remained calmed and used all the words and behavior I was taught over the last month - while I died a little more inside. 

He must show safe behaviors for two days before being allowed back in with his peers in the day treatment program at the hospital. When he heard that plan this morning, he became enraged and tried to turn over the table - ran out of the room, grabbed a laundry cart and started propelling it and him up and down the halls of the unit. A staff member grabbed the cart - and Andrew made a fist but didn't hit her - and I died a little more inside.

I know we have a long road - I am trying to hold onto hope but there is a little part of me that fears my broken child cannot be fixed.