Since his birth we have been on a roller coaster of good and bad
times with our child – a handsome, smart, recently turned 13-year-old with several
diagnoses. As a parent, I have screamed, cried, despaired, prayed for a
miracle, blamed God, hated parents of typical children and yes, sometimes, felt
utterly sorry for myself. I have been his advocate, his lawyer, his counselor, his
mother, his only friend, the one who has loved him, hated the things he has
said and done and sometimes truly not liked him. And yes there have been times
that I have resented him.
He has threatened suicide to end his pain, he has called me
horrible names, hit me, bit me and tried to choke me – he has done the same to
his father. He has been on as many as ten medications. He has lied and we have
had the sheriff show up at our house because he said a bruise on his leg was
put there by his father. It was investigated – he admitted to banging his leg with
the game controller when he got angry at a video game and we were cleared of
any wrong doing. He has been the star of massive scenes at restaurants, at school, and even at church.
Through all of this I have held onto hope making false
promises to myself - when he’s a little older things will be better, once the
hormones are done causing havoc he will balance out. If we just find the right
medicine things will be better. Countless emails to his therapist, his
psychiatrist, countless prayers and pleas gone unheard. I have slowly eroded
into a numb yet jangled bag of nerves – going through the motions of being his
mom all the while fighting for help from his medical and school team - from anyone.
Last Friday, we concluded that there was no recourse but to
take him to the ER after a meeting at the school went horribly off the rails.
We had been trying to get him in all summer to even out his meds – to get him
the most help we possibly could but his psychiatrist didn’t think that was the
answer. On Friday, he was admitted. We now have hope - we haven't had that for a very long time.
Since his admission, I have felt empty like a part of me is missing and also ashamed. I
now know what gratitude is for this amazing child - I haven't felt that, too, for a very long time. I don’t deserve this
beautiful, special boy – he deserves better. I am reminded how much I appreciate who he is and I will do
everything in my power to ensure that he gets all the help he needs to be a
kind, responsible human being and I will never take him for granted - ever again.
Lots of love to you, Jenny. I think you're pretty amazing.
ReplyDeleteJenny you have nothing to be ashamed of, we know you always do your best in the most trying circumstances. We are all so proud of you!
ReplyDeleteSending you love and prayers for guidance. You've been on such a rocky path, and I am hoping that this is a turn in the right direction.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing your words with us, Jenny. Continuing to send you and ALL your family love and strength.
ReplyDeleteYou know. xoxo
ReplyDeleteYou are an incredible mom.... please always remember one thing, in those moments where you feel the absolute worst, that is indeed when you are shining.... you are amazing lady and I adore you <3
ReplyDeleteI do know a fraction of your pain. My oldest daughter presented some of the behavior you describe in your post. People around you do not understand. I remember an episode at a mall where I was holding her in a take down position so she couldn't hurt herself or anyone else when a well meaning stranger told me if would just show her more love I wouldn't be dealing with this. I just sobbed. She didn't know my life...she couldn't.
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you. My prayers are lifted that this is the time real progress and help for all of you is at hand. Your realization of gratitude is a first step to your own healing. God be with you Jenny. --Pam Wheaton
Your honesty only helps others going through struggles. Your strength is admirable. Your love for your son has been unwavering. You and your family have gone through unquestionably difficult, challenging events, but, through it all you have remained strong, you are resilient. We all send you prayers for continued strength, our wishes for your answers and LOVE....
ReplyDeleteAndrew's Mother is really a good person..our children often need more love than we ever dreamed we could give..yet somehow somewhere you have found it for him. As a Junkie friend all I can offer are encouraging words and cyber hugs. I hope you can use this time to allow the doctors and nurses to take a little weight from your day. As a Mom I know your heart is right there with Andrew every minute but you need some time for you too. (((Jenny and family)))
ReplyDeleteSo brutally honest. Thank God Andrew has you in his life because your are the best mother in the world for him. Things are going to be okay. I can feel it. I'm sending you love, and always wishing the best for Andrew. Always.
ReplyDeleteI am humbled and deeply moved by your words here, and by who you are and what you do in the face of trials I cannot begin to imagine surviving. I am sending every prayer, every wish, every butterfly, eagle, songbird, bumblebee, ladybug, and benevolent dragon in my imaginary powerhouse to fly over your home and the places Andrew is spending time now, making trails of goodness and light and opportunity and sweet magic to puff up the sky and protect you all as you travel this extraordinary and challenging road. You are a great good incomparable mother and I honor you morning noon and night.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Me Nancie again. Keep writing keep writing keep writing we need your writing. Unless it is any kind of burden, skip it never mind no demands on you what is wrong with Me? What I mean to say is, I love your writing and find it magnificent and nourishing and worthy and when it works for you to write I will be so happy and grateful and read every word.
ReplyDeleteAbout 13, 7th grade, we had to put him into a locked ward for 8 weeks. He spent the next 5 and a half years in a Children's Residence. No drugs and I don't feel like digging out the paperwork for the diagnosis (this was 30 years ago).
ReplyDeleteHe has a double Masters from New York University, after 9-11 became the Mayor's Deputy Press Secretary (Mayor Giuliani), was chief spokesman for the NYC Parks Department and has gone on.
This too shall pass.
I don't see a person that takes her son for granted, I see a person who gives selflessly so much, so often and loves her son deeply. I can't pretend to know what it feels like but you have so many people who are rooting for you and for Andrew. How kind he is shows up and is a testament to your devotion as a parent and to his spirit as well. I hope this provides what you all need in good measure. My heart is with you.
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