Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Two Roads

For over ten days, I have been terrified. Terrified that Andrew would never leave the hospital. Terrified that he will always resent me for taking him to the ER. Terrified that my mothering weighed heavily on his issues. Terrified that I could have done better by him - done more sooner for him. Fought harder.

After ten days, I have learned a great deal but I am still terrified. Andrew does resent me - in our family meeting yesterday - he expressed his anger at me for putting him in the hospital and that he doesn't love me anymore. Dr. G explained that his unsafe behaviors led him to the hospital. It was hard for me to hear the hurt in his voice. Jim started tearing up and told Andrew no one in this world loves him more than I do. Andrew started crying - it ended in hugs and exchanges of I love yous but the resentment is still there - raw and open for both of us.

I came to the realization that I had to take his feelings and my feelings totally out of the equation and do what was best for him. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. In the ER two Fridays ago, I almost left with him twice. I messaged Jim who was in the same room with me and said, "let's just leave with him - I can't leave him here". I couldn't bear feeling the overwhelming pain he was experiencing. During the last week, I wanted to walk out of that ward with him a number of times. When he was having a bad day, I felt every second of his anxiety and pain. I went to the hospital overcome with unbearable sadness - knowing that he was feeling that sadness or completely awash with anxiety because he was. People who claim they are empaths - believe them. I have been this way my entire life. 

I am still terrified. Tomorrow he comes home - we pick him up at 2:30. He will have day treatment the remainder of this week and all of next week. We will have an IEP meeting to fight for what we want for him on the 24th. We have a long, hard road to travel - the easy road would have been to walk out of that ER or never to have walked in. To paraphrase, Frost: I have always taken the road less traveled and that has made all the difference.


6 comments:

  1. Sending love and prayers your way. Just so you know, you are my hero mom.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I know it doesn't seem like it but you are stronger than you realize. Look at what you've gone through in the name of love.
    The crucible makes you stronger. Believe it. There's a reason YOU are his mother.

    ReplyDelete
  3. To do what needs to be done even while battling fear is the true meaning of courage...in the name of love for your son.
    Battle on warrior in the name of love.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  5. My son was just told by his son's psychologist(?) that his 9 year old displays the worst case of ADHD she has ever seen. I saw the report and yes, that's exactly what it said. The difficult truths of his parenting are just beginning. Jenny, I am sharing the strength of your words and the reality of your fight with him to bolster him for the challenge that is on his horizon. There are more issues than ADHD. This is just where they have chosen to start. God bless you and your family with strength and love....and family harmony.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh, Jenny, my mother's heart breaks for you all. I have a feeling that what we might perceive in that anguished time as the easier road - walking out with Andrew that Friday - would not turn into the easiest path. That's the path you've been walking and I know, from what you've shared, that it is seldom easy, far from it. Leaving him was hard, harder than I can even imagine, but ultimately I pray, that will be the path that saves you all. Set aside the "what ifs" and keep reminding yourself that we can only make the best choices one decision at a time, with the information we have to hand. The anger and resentment is natural. Few and far between are the teenagers who haven't thrown an "I hate you" at their parents for much lesser offenses than hospitalization for their own good. But Andrew is a smart, sensitive child. With your help, Jim's help and the aid of his medical team, he's going to figure this out. And your relationship will be the stronger for it.
    You all are in my constant prayers, for strength, for wisdom, for perseverance, for patience, for freedom from anxiety and worry, for much needed rest, for healing. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. I love you, Jenny. You got this.

    ReplyDelete